Dr. Shitcoat

How about a story? I realize that pretty much everybody who will be reading my blog is either a new friend or someone who knows me, but hasn't hung out with me much in the last forever-and-a-day, so I thought I might as well catch everyone up all at once. Jenell, stop laughing and let everyone finish reading first.

When we moved from Maryland to Colorado, I was 16 weeks pregnant with the ladies. My mother is an OBGYN nurse and was absolutely on me to get to the Dr as soon as we got to CO. Hubby was military so we had coverage, just no actual Dr, so Grandma was on my case.

After the usual Tri-care run-around we got an appointment. We got through the nurse part and pee in a cup routine just fine. Then an older woman Dr came in smelling of shit. Really, really smelling of shit. I was up there on the table while her clammy hands measured me and found a heartbeat with the Doppler. I thought I was going to barf from the super shit smell.

Then I saw it...shit, shit was all over her labcoat, down her pants, on her shoe. I almost lost it. I think my eyes were bugging out of my head as I looked at my husband for support. I tried to get his eyes to look at the shitiness of the Dr and when he saw what I saw his eyes bugged out too. There was no denying that this was her shit, not patient shit. There was definately a "flow pattern" vs a "splat pattern".

I wanted to run, just hightail it out of there and go back to the nice military men who were my Dr's in Maryland. They were never covered in shit, just nice clean uniforms! But just then she said, "Yep, heartbeat is fine" and took the Doppler away. I thought "WTF are you doing shithead" (ok, no, I don't think there was shit on her head but there could have been a trace amount). So I piped up and said "uh, I'm having twins." There was some confusion and again with the clammy hands, ah yes two heartbeats, we're good. Phew. Meanwhile the shit smell is so bad in this room that I am literally holding my breath while my husband is pretending absolutely nothing is wrong, all is right with the over-powering shit smell.

Dr. Stinky left to get me some forms after finishing up the exam as fast as she could. I practically lunged for the fresh air that poured in when she left. Hubby and I sat there staring at each other, not sure how far away she went or when she'd come back. We were silent, both of us thinking that surely this was not happening.

Several minutes later Dr. Dookie comes back, sort of cleaner. She had changed her labcoat at least, though the stench was still powerfull. She was explaining something though I couldn't pay attention at all. I just kept thinking how does that happen? How exactly do you shit all over yourself and not realize what you've done? Surely she could at least smell it?

As soon as we got out of there we couldn't shut up about the shitty Dr I had. I think I called everyone I knew. We even debated if we should make a complaint, but decided she had enough shit to deal with, surely she must have a major medical problem. Im not sure what happened to her, but I never saw her at that clinic again, perhaps she shat herself to death.